All About the Cake, No Body
by OQueenE
Summary: Snow and Ruby have known about Emma and Regina's secret relationship for months, and have kept the celebratory decorations hidden in storage until a time when needed. When the two women finally decide to come out, the decorations do as well, including the long forgotten stripper filled cake.


I own nothing

**A/N**: This is my first fic. Just something silly I came up with during dinner one day. Includes some dark/warped humor, but that's my style. Let me know what you think.

Emma and Regina stand in the parking lot of Granny's diner, mentally preparing themselves for tonight's dinner. Well, it's not so much they as much as it's Emma trying to build the courage to walk in and do this. To have this talk. Regina's been ready for weeks; though to be fair, she's never really cared about anyone's opinion of her (except for Henry and Emma). She knows who she is and if you don't like it, fuck you. It's one of the many qualities that Emma had fallen in love with.

"I don't know why you're so nervous. You've been spending enough time at the mansion that even your simpleminded parents must know something's going on," Regina began. She huffs out a frustrated sigh and watches her breath in the cold air before continuing. "They've watched enough Blue's Clues reruns with your brother that I'm sure they've received a clue of their own."

Emma lets out her own frustrated sigh. "It's just…things are good. I don't want to mess up this family dynamic. Like, what if they don't approve-"

"That's their problem."

"Or what if they don't want to see me anymore-"

"Then that's their loss."

"What if…what if they stop loving me?"

Emma's been playing with the hem of her shirt the whole time, knotting it into a tight wad, unraveling it, and then repeating. It's a nervous habit Regina's noticed throughout the months they've been secretly dating.

"They won't," Regina tells her, moving in front of her and wrapping her arms around her waist. She rocks back and forth with Emma, in a slow calming dance until Emma exhales and looks up at her. "They love you so much, Emma. I don't think you realize it sometimes."

"Yeah, but this'll be like me coming out…what if-"

"Emma, you could run down every one of those dwarves in a drunken fit of euphoria and your mother would still think you were the most perfect thing in this world."

"Drunken fit of euphoria? I feel like someone's projecting a bit." Emma cocks and eyebrow and smiles at Regina, who's looking at the diner with a smirk on her face.

"My point still stands," Regina begins and kisses the tip of Emma's nose. "Now let's get this over with so we can have our own celebration later tonight."

"But what about Henry?"

Regina leans in and whispers, "Sleepover at a friend's house," and flicks her tongue along the shell of Emma's ear, before finishing off with a well pressured bite to her lobe.

Emma lets out a small moan and sighs contentedly. "Ok. Let's do this." She laces their fingers together and gives a squeeze before walking towards the diner, hand in hand.

* * *

Inside the diner Snow, David, and baby Neal sit at their usual booth, menus in hand, waiting for the two remaining members of their party to join.

"Emma did say seven, right?" Snow asks David for the third time.

Instead of growing irritated or snapping at his worried wife, David reaches over the table and takes hold of Snow's hand and gives her that reassuring grin of his. "She'll be here. It's only twenty past anyhow. If something had come up, she'd tell us."

"I guess I'm just a bit on edge. She said she wanted to discuss something important with us. What if she wants to move out?"

David continues to smile and strokes his thumb over Snow's hand. "She may want to. She's thirty, and probably would like a place of her own."

Snow sighs, and looks out the diner window. It's beginning to snow. A light dusting of white coats the streets. She watches two people that closely resemble Emma and Regina walking hand in hand towards the diner.

Closely resemble Emma and Regina.

Oh my God, it's Emma and Regina.

They're holding hands. Jesus Christ on a Cheezit cracker. Holy shit.

"David!" Snow whispers loudly. "Look!" She reaches over the table and roughly turns his head to the window.

His neck cracks at the abrupt change in direction.

"I knew it!" Snow hisses. "Oh my God."

David rubs his neck as he watches his wife run to the counter to tell Ruby the news. Her arms are flapping and she's pointing outside the window. He sees Ruby's eyes widen at the news; her jaw drops and she embraces Snow in a forceful hug before separating and looking out the window herself, from the same spot Snow vacated just seconds ago.

"Oh my God."

"Yeah."

"Oh my fucking God."

"Yeah," Snow says, nodding. "Blue owes me fifty bucks."

"Like she'll ever pay," Ruby rolls her eyes.

"Doesn't matter. I'm right. That's all that counts." Snow smirks haughtily. "Besides, if she doesn't pay, you can always have Leroy pee in her coffee or something, right?"

"I usually just add a lot of Metamucil to her pancakes," She says nonchalantly, while still looking out the window. "Dude, they're so cute."

"Hey! If you want to lick windows and straddle diner booths, go work at an IHOP. Otherwise get back to work!" Granny shouts from the kitchen.

"Ugh. Whatever." Ruby says as she climbs out of the booth. "I'll be hovering."

The bell to the diner rings as Ruby reaches the counter. Emma walks in first, no longer holding hands with Regina, who enters just behind her. Ruby nods her head in greeting, and continues on towards the kitchen.

Spotting her parents and brother at their usual booth, Emma begins walking towards them, resisting the near uncontrollable urge she has to hold Regina's hand while doing so.

"Emma, Hi. We were worried you weren't going to show," Snow greeted with a smile. "Regina, good to see you as well."

"For the record, it was your mother who was worried."

"Yeah, sorry about that. I was just a little...busy," Emma says with a nervous half smile.

Snow stifles her growing excitement and squeezes David's thigh roughly under the table. David plasters an oversized grin on his face and grits his teeth to hide the pain.

"So, ugh, have you guys ordered yet?" Emma asks as she lifts her menu and begins perusing the food options.

"No. Just ordered an appetizer a few minutes ago, that's all," David responds. He places his hand over Snow's and tries to discreetly pry her iron lock grip from his leg.

Without looking up from her own menu, Regina speaks. "Whatever it is you want to say, Snow, say it. You have that 'I'm excited about something' look on your face, and your incessant leg bouncing is vibrating the table."

"I'm fine. I'm not excited about anything," Snow responds with an unconvincing smile.

Regina looks up from her menu and cocks an eyebrow. "Really? So that's not the same face Henry has every time a new comic comes out? And it's not the same face your daughter makes every time Granny announces the cinnamon blasted bear claws will return to the menu?"

"I don't make a face-" Emma begins.

Right on cue Granny shouts from the kitchen. "They'll be back next week!"

Without even realizing it, Emma's eyes widen and she beams at the news. Regina glances at Emma and smirks, before returning to her menu with feigned interest.

"Also, Miss Lucas has been wiping down that empty table, behind us, for the last three minutes. And unless she's trying to remove the varnish, I suspect you have big news, and she's trying to eavesdrop." Regina continues to stare at the menu with little interest and quirks a smile when she hears Ruby shuffle away from behind them.

"I-It can wait. Um, Emma, honey, didn't you say you had something to tell us?" Snow leans forward and clasps her hands together on the table. David exhales a soft moan of relief as his leg is freed from her iron grip.

"Ugh, yeah," Emma starts. She drops her menu and exhales a heavy breath. Regina notices the blonde playing with the hem of her shirt again, and places her hand on her girlfriend's thigh. The move is effective, and halts Emma's nervous behavior. She looks over at Regina, who's looking at her with so much support and confidence, and squeezes her hand before returning her gaze to her parents. "I want to tell you that, um, Regina and I are, we have been, um, dating, and we're together and I love her and she loves me, and she's my girlfriend, and-"

Emma's rambling confession is cut off by Snow's near deafening squeal of excitement.

"I'm so excited you finally told us!" Snow beams and claps her hands. David and Regina both massage their respective ears, while Emma sits back, slack jawed, at her mother's response. "We've been waiting months for you two to come out and just tell us!"

"W-We?" Emma asked.

"Yes! Me, your father, Ruby-" Snow's eyes widen as if she's suddenly remembered something important. She pushes herself up from the table and meets Ruby halfway to the diner's counter. "Ruby, the decorations! Release them. And wheel out the celebratory cake!"

Ruby runs behind the counter and presses a button behind the coffee maker, then continues running towards the storage closet in the back of the diner. As she runs, a celebratory "Congratulations" banner, and a plethora of dust, fall from the ceiling, and hangs across the counter. Confetti and dust fall from a few trigger activated ceiling tiles throughout the diner, causing the other patrons to cough and hover over their plates protectively.

Emma looks on in embarrassed horror as Ruby pushes an oversized, three tiered lavender and white cake near their table. Snow has returned and bounces excitedly at the sight of it. She and Ruby are both exchanging large, shit eating grins, which perfectly offset the narrowed eyed glare that Regina's giving them.

After a few beats of awkward silence, Ruby and Snow exchange worried glances towards the cake.

"Why isn't anything happening? Where's the stripper?" Snow whispers loudly.

"I-I don't know," Ruby shrugs. Suddenly she pales, and looks at the cake with a horrified look on her face. "Oh no. Ohhh no."

Snow seems to realize the same thing as her friend, and blanches. "Did we…did we leave..." She points to the cake. The waitress nods stiffly, while still staring at the oversized prop. Snow moved next to Ruby, and with a nod of solidarity they lift the lid together and peek inside. Both women gasp simultaneously and slam the lid down, panic drawn across both their faces.

"What's going on? Guys? Mom?" Emma asks, looking back and forth between the two women. "Please tell me there wasn't someone in there the whole time you've been saving all this," The blonde points to the decorations.

"We have to get rid of this."

"No shit!" Ruby spit a little too loudly for a whisper. "What the hell are we gonna do with it? This was your idea."

"Push it over the town line," Snow says resolutely.

"Huh? You expect us, probably me, to push this over the line and just leave it for whom ever to find out there?" Ruby asks incredulously.

"Yeah," Snow answered, already pushing the cake away from their table.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, no one's doing anything," Emma tells them. Not wanting to bother Regina with moving, the blonde clambers over the booth behind her. She emerges from the adjacent booth, hair tousled from the effort, and grabs Snow's arm to stop her from pushing the cake away.

"You can't do that," Emma hisses. "And why the hell did you get a stripper?"

"I thought it would be festive."

Emma continues to stare at her mother, completely bewildered, until Granny walks by with their appetizer and breaks her out of her stupor. David and Regina, both of whom are watching the events unfolding before them with rapt attention, unconsciously unfold their silver wear and begin digging into the chili cheese fries that Granny placed at their table, never taking their eyes off of the three women standing before them.

"Emma, honey, you need to move. The cake isn't going to hold the smell forever," Snow huffed.

"Who's even in there? You can't just-Oh my God" Emma looks into the cake and quickly closes the lid and hits Snow with a hard stare. "Who the hell is that?!"

"Nobody. Don't worry about it."

"I just saw a body, a very dead body!" The sheriff pointed to cake.

Snow sighs, "It's nobody. No one in town was willing to play stripper, so I asked Gold to turn one of my woodland acquaintances into a human stripper for us."

If possible, Emma's eyes widen even more and her jaw hangs open, again, in disbelief.

Regina and David erupt with laughter. Snow gives them both a disapproving look, then turns back to her daughter. "Believe me, I feel bad about what happened to Thumper, but there's nothing we can do about it now."

"I can't believe you're being so blasé about this." Emma pinched the bridge of her nose.

"To be fair, he was kind of a voyeuristic pervert. So think of this as some sort of divine punishment for his bad behavior," Snow shrugged.

"I hate this stupid fairy tale town."

"Oh, it's not that bad." Snow rubs Emma's arm in a show of comfort, "Let's go order dinner and try to salvage what's left of this evening." She nods to Ruby to continue carrying out the removal plan.

The waitress rolls her eyes and begins pushing the cake towards the back door. "Be back in fifteen, Granny."

"Glad you're finally getting rid of that damn thing. It was taking up all the room in the storage closet." The older woman then levels her granddaughter with a cold stare, "You're cleaning this mess up too when you get back," and points to the confetti littered throughout her diner.

Letting out a disgruntled sigh, Ruby throws her jacket on, and exits the building.

"Did you two figure out what you're going to order?" Snow asks David and Regina, after she situated herself in the booth again.

* * *

"So tonight was pretty interesting," Emma says as she and Regina walk back to her car, holding hands once again.

"You could say that," Regina smiles. "Remind me to never ask for your mother's help in planning anything."

"Like you ever would anyway," the younger woman teases.

Regina smirks and Emma notices the mischievous gleam in the brunette's eyes. When they reach the car Regina moves her hands to her girlfriend's hips and pins her against the snow covered vehicle. Regina's lips are on the blonde's before she can react properly. Emma moans when the brunette bites down on her bottom lip and begins trailing kisses across her jaw.

"Due to your mother's poor planning," Regina husks into the blonde's ear, while alternating licks and bites along her neck, "we were robbed of a strip show. I plan on giving you an exceptionally memorable one tonight."

Emma lets out another moan and moves her hands to the older woman's ass. Regina smiles against her neck and removes the blonde's hands from her backside. "No touching," she whispers teasingly. She places a chaste kiss on Emma's lips before releasing her, and walking to the driver's side door of the car. "Let's continue this somewhere warmer, dear."

The blonde nods in agreement and gets in the snow covered vehicle quickly.


End file.
